The Innuendo Squad
by timtom
Summary: What happens when Captain Jack Harkness and notorious River Song team up for a special Torchwood mission? So many sexual innuendos it'll send your pants flying across the room. Just you watch them run.


"You know you can tell a lot about a woman by her hands." Jack strained, holding the giant lizard in a airtight headlock, its purple tail flicking more languid with every passing second. "For instance, if they're placed around your throat she's probably slightly upset."

"Tell me where it is or I swear by the god I look after I will turn you into the next big thing at a Chinese restaurant." River threatened, her fingers tightening around the small but fat green man. He gasped, fingers grasping at air and his three tiny hoof-like feet drumming against the metal wall. The alien's eyes were a bright tangerine, and as the oxygen was cut off more from his brain, his eyes turned a glassy hue of pink.

"Breg-…Bregckrefn…" The alien spluttered.

"What's he saying?" Jack said, dropping the unconscious guard on the floor. "I don't think that's how you ask nicely, Doctor Song. Here, let me show you how it's done." He stepped over the lizard's huge forearm, about to walk over to River and examine the alien merchant, when the lizard snapped his jaws, and grabbed Jack by the ankle. He was hauled from his feet into the air. "Never mind!" Jack called as the lizard head butted him.

"Bregckrefnekak-"

"Speak English damn it!" River yelled, slamming the alien into the wall. "I know you can."

The alien's eyes swiveled around the room, and what looked like a wrinkle on its forehead suddenly split open, revealing a golden orb like a pearl, the size of half a fist. "_Taake itt." _The alien begged in broken English. "_Baat ef the Lord asssksss abowt it, et vasn't vrom mie._"

River reached out, her finger about to touch the orb when a hand was placed on her shoulder.

"Hang on love," Jack said, pulling out a leather-looking glove. "That's the brain of a Poldragon. It'll incinerate you if you touch it with your bare hands." The lizard lay crumpled on the floor behind him, finally K. . Jack pulled back slightly at the last moment, and smiled as River made eye contact with him. "Though I think it would have a little trouble incinerating something so hot."

River smiled and pulled the glove on, then reached once again for the orb. As her hand neared the orb, her finger tip nearly touching the glowing globe, the alien's tongue lashed out and wrapped around her wrist, but only the tip touching a piece of her skin. She screamed and released the alien, and the glove was torn from her hand, the place where the tongue's surface made contact with hers burning an angry red.

"River!" Jack yelled, trying to hold her up right.

"Don't worry about me, just get the alien!" River yelled, clutching her wrist.

"The venom's getting into your system, you'll be paralyzed!" Jack warned.

"It doesn't matter, if he gets that glove _and _the Poldragon brain who knows where he'll sell it to?" River demanded, trying to get to her feet but failing. Her joints were locking up and she lay on the floor, struggling. "You have to catch him!"

"Well – I could…" Jack said, looking suggestively at River.

"What?" River glared, not sure whether to feel scared or aroused.

"Well Nevorlian venom usually seeps into the digestive system first, effectively killing you in under ten minutes, but I do sort of have the heart of the TARDIS running around inside me, so I guess I'm the elixir of life, baby." Jack chuckled.

"What you're saying is…" River seemed to contemplate this for a second. "Yeah, no."

"…Iiiiiiiiii'm getting mixed signals here." Jack grimaced. "Was that a yes or a no."

"If you mean kissing me, then no. If you mean going south of kissing, then definitely no." River said.

"But-" Jack said. "Fine. Then I shall stand here and let the alien escape. Who cares if he does? You can't get up and kick my ass anyway." He stood his ground.

River looked to the alien first, who was now nearly at the far end of the room, heading toward the door. She sighed. "Fine. I've done worse than kiss Jack Harkness. I should warn you though," River wet her lips. "These lips have killed a time lord."

Jack grinned. He leant down, leaning on one knee. "Buckle up." He whispered as he put his lips against hers.

He brushed his lips against hers with the slightest touch, and even though the venom was making her lose feeling in everything down to her legs, River swore she felt a shiver run through her anatomy. He leant in more and pressed his lips against hers, the instant rhythm match of their kiss spurring him on. He kissed her a little harder, his tongue running a trail against her bottom lip, and the adrenaline finally reached her brain, and River broke off, but kept their foreheads pressed together and eyes closed. Jack was breathing audibly.

"You lied didn't you." She whispered. "I still can't move."

"No." Jack said. "You're just special."

"Nice save handsome," River said. "now go catch that alien."

Jack stood up, pulling out a gun with a grapple on the end. It was the length of your hand, rounding around in the shape of a banana. River doubted whether or not they were going to even catch this alien. It was scrabbling at the door at the end, now realizing it was too short to reach the handle without the help of its bodyguard. Jack turned it at the now panicking alien, his tongue poking out as he closed one eye and aimed. "I really thought this little thing would've gotten further than that." He fired.

The grapple shot short, and River snorted even though she should be worried. But Jack simply smiled, and moved his thumb to the side, clicked a red button. The grapple snapped into life, and flew toward the green dot as if it had a life of its own. It snaked around and reared up like a serpent before snaring the alien in its jaws, its vice-like grip tightening around its body. The alien squealed like a rat, and tried to gallop away, but the grapple simply lifted it into the air, and rewound back to Jack.

Jack pulled out a thin piece of card, threw it into the ground, and it immediately expanded into a box, landing just as the grapple released the alien, the bottom materializing as soon as it had the alien contained.

"Done." Jack smiled, foot on box like a cowboy. River lay on the floor, staring him down.

"I've got to admit, that was impressive." She said.

"That's not all I'm impressive at." Jack beamed.

River lifted an eyebrow in curiosity but rolled her eyes. "I hope not in the same way because that gun is mighty small."

"Oh, let's just say this is all the compensation I need." Jack smiled, winking. He holstered the grapple hook, and sat down on the box. A soft scrabbling noise rose within it, but it didn't rattle or move.

River stared at the box – it was black matter alright, but how was the noise getting through? Jack caught her staring, then smiled and tapped the box.

"Don't worry, they're just amazingly noisy little buggers." Jack said.

"Oh are you quoting from your autobiography again?" River asked, smiling wanly.

"Most definitely." Jack smiled.

"I guess it's true what the girls at the bar said; you really _are_ this dirty minded." River said.

"What girls?" Jack said, sitting down. "Oh you mean-"

"Mhm." River tried to nod, but opted to close her eyes and look agreeable. "How is it they know you that well, Jack?"

"Oh they're just… Just," Jack tried to find the words. "I don't have a dirty mind, Doctor Song." Jack said, changing the subject. The watch at his wrist beeped, and he knelt, putting one of River's arms around his shoulder. They were stiff, but pliable. "I just have an extremely sexy imagination."

"What a pair you make," a woman with blonde hair said as she seemed to step out of thin air. "You're like the Innuendo Team." She mocked.

"Greta, glad you're here. We need Nevorlian antidote, she's been stung." Jack said, helping River up, stepping toward the woman slowly. "And Greta, you make us sound like superheros. What, a Stormcage prisoner and a 51st Century Con Man waiting for a god?"

Him and River exchanged glances. "That sounds quite accurate, doesn't it Doctor Song?"

River smiled. "Indeed it does, Captain Harkness."


End file.
